One of the best pieces of advice a friend ever gave me about running a household was that in order to find a routine that works, you have to understand how your personality operates in regard to efficiency and getting things done.

This meant for me that I had to stop thinking “This is how it HAS to be done” and start asking, “how can *I* do this best according to my way?” Everybody has a way they do things. I put cling wrap on a bowl by first attaching the wrap, then tearing it off after it is firmly attached. It frustrated me to deal with the clingy and frail wrap after it was ripped off before it went on the bowl. My mother did it the exact opposite. She would tear the wrap off the roll, straighten it out, and adhere it to the bowl. I remember her trying to insist on that it was the correct way to do it, and then later, she came back and said, “Abby, I don’t know why I insisted you do it that way. Your way makes sense, and it really actually doesn’t matter how it is done! That was silly of me”. In that moment, I realized that everyone has a different way of doing housework, and short of being lazy and slovenly, there really is no wrong way, if your way works for you. It was a wonderful little learning/bonding moment of two women learning different personalities.

I know for me, that laundry must be folded and put away within the hour of it being dry. I know that I will NOT fold it the next day, and if I did, it was a rarity. So now, I know that if I am committing to a load of laundry in the wash, I have to be ready to commit to folding it after it is dried. So, I mentally block off time and dedicate it to laundry. I fold it on the table, or on the living room floor, so that it is in front of me while I am doing it. Historically, the bedroom isn’t ideal, I tend to get distracted and leave the laundry, and because it is out of my main path in the house, it gets neglected and shoved aside at bedtime. Knowing myself in this area is knowing I hate laundry, so I need to really practice discipline to myself in this area. Experiment a bit with your laundry routine and find what works. Whether it is your mother’s way, your grandma’s, the neighbors, and your own invented routine, it must work for your personality.

The more cluttered and disorganized the house becomes, the more angsty and overwhelmed I get. I want to run out of the house, I certainly don’t feel like cooking in a dirty kitchen, and the bedroom isn’t a place of solitude because generally it’s dirty too. We don’t live like bums, but we do create mess, and if I don’t keep up with it, it gets very upsetting to look at. At first, I tried creating a weekly task list, organized per day. Laundry on Monday, mop on Tuesday, etc. etc. etc. But I found that didn’t really work well for me. Laundry needed done as needed, and once there was a baby, we need to mop way more often. Many things just need done as needed, so the weekly schedule got tossed. I started a new idea which worked fantastically. After dishes and dinner and the baby is in bed every night, and me and hubby are sitting down enjoying some quiet, I pencil down everything that needs done the next day. It can range from big projects such as organize the library, clean the chicken coop, mow the lawn, to do laundry, wipe the toilets and wash sheets. Sometimes I see that there isn’t a big to do list, so I add an extra project like sewing or an outing.

My brain doesn’t remember things well, so the night before list works wonders. And my OCD brain loves being able to cross things off the list as they get done. It really has worked very very well for me. Our house has never been maintained better than when I am using the Night Before method.

The next most important step is knowing what burns you out. Besides the fact that it is not a lovely sight for your family to see, your wellbeing matters. Add things to your day that you know will fill you up and be refreshing for you. Block some time off each day for a few things just for you, paint your nails, put some makeup on, take a nap, go for a walk, sew, crochet, do any project that is JUST for you. Kids will have to accommodate, that timeframe is not for them, it’s for you. We aren’t endorsing neglect here, but we are endorsing you focusing that time on you. Kids are very flexible. Put the baby in nap, or their little playpen while you sew, or take a nap when they do. Plan an outing that just you want to do. Not go to the zoo because it would be fun for the kids, plan the trip to the mall because you’d like to go. Kids love the mall anyway. Taking some time to give yourself a break is very important, and kids and spouse and YOU will benefit greatly. Life is not all mopping floors. When we see it that way, when we are over stimulated and tired, it is generally a sign we need to do something for ourselves. Find what fills you up. Maybe it’s even asking a friend to watch the kids for an hour so you can go work out once a week, get a coffee by yourself, or meet up with another friend. Throw some things on the calendar you’d like to do!

And ask for help. Your husband probably wants to help more than you think, but men aren’t intuitive with all of your, or the kids, needs. Learn how both of you can ask for or share needs. After dinner, my husband will clear the table and put leftovers away while I bathe or take care of the baby. Often, he entertains her while I make dinner, or he takes care of the dishes. He changes diapers as needed and will ask what I need help with. Although, this did not happen easily, I never used to ask for help, and he would be unaware of my needs and I would get resentful. Sometimes on a very busy day, I will tell him something like this: “Babe, I am a bit overwhelmed, and I don’t think I can get everything done that needs done alone. We can either have leftovers for dinner, and I can catch up on the dishes from yesterday, or I can make a “from scratch” dinner, but I will probably not be able to get to the dishes easily. You pick and tell me what you would rather want”. He is given some good options; he gets overstimulated with a dirty kitchen like me but also enjoys a good dinner. Voicing my needs in such a way gives him the entry way for constructive input and lets him choose. Sometimes he is really in need of a hot fresh dinner and will sacrifice the mess. Some days he really needs to see an uncluttered kitchen. Sometimes he will say, “okay, why don’t I make dinner and you do the dishes”. There are a lot of room for ideas and solutions.

I could also say,” I’m tired and I really wish you would help me more, I’m overwhelmed and have to do everything”. It would sound whiny and unappreciative of the fact he does SO much for our family. He takes care of our chickens, the trash, car repairs, the lawn, goes to work, pays the bills, does home repairs, and comes home and is supportive of me after work. It is rude to act as though they don’t contribute. I am sure glad I don’t have all of his work on my plate.

So, overall, learning yourself, learning how you operate and learning how to best express needs are really important for you as a person. Pray also every day for the grace to be shown where who you truly are and how you function. Learning yourself is a big deal. If you don’t understand yourself, a lot will fall apart. And this takes time, but it is so worth it. I recommend reading up on you and your spouse’s temperaments, Metanoia Catholic has a YouTube channel that is great in this area, and it will help you understand yourself and them a bit more, and how to treat those temperaments.